The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) Review

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)
Directors: Steve Binder and David Acomba

Writers: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, and Mitzie Welch

Producers: Dwight Hemion, Gary Smith, Joe Layton, Jeff Starsh, Ken Welch, and Mitzie Welch

Editors: Jerry Bixman and Vince Humphrey

Cinematography: John Field

Music: Ian Fraser

Starring: Mickey Morton, Paul Gale, Patty Maloney, Jack Rader, Art Carney, and Peter Mayhew (and the cast of Star Wars)

Runtime: 1 hour 37 minutes

Rating: Not Rated (Comparable to milder PG)

Genre: Adventure, Sci-Fi, (Attempted) Comedy

Release Date: November 17, 1978 (TV)

Before Watching the Movie: Brace yourself and know what you're getting into. These are important life choices you're making here.

Intro: This movie is kind of legendary and not in a good way. Called by some as "the worst two hours of television ever" and shunned both by George Lucas and all the major Star Wars actors, this movie has quite the reputation. George Lucas famously said of the special, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy and smash it." So, as a Star Wars fan and a b-movie fan, I thought I'd witness the horror first hand. I had tried watching it some a couple years ago and couldn't make it through 30 minutes. Since that was a few years ago, I wanted to review a b-movie, and I didn't remember it much, I decided to watch the whole bloody thing. Oh. My. God. The Star Wars Holiday Special is as awful as everybody says it is. With a paper-thin plot strung together by random and meaningless cameos, stiff and phoned-in acting from the cast, cringeworthy and unfunny humor, and a script that could have been written better by a preschooler, the special is nothing but an hour and 37 minutes of sheer pain.

Plot: Chewbacca (Mayhew) needs to get back to his family on his home planet of Kashyyyk for the annual celebration of Life Day (It's Christmas, ok? It's just the lame, Star Wars-esque version of it). His family, consisting of his wife Malla (Morton), his son Lumpy (Maloney), and his father Itchy (Gale) waits anxiously for him to come back, as the Empire begins to interfere.

Things People May Find Objectionable: Really nothing. I mean, it was 70s prime time TV, so they really couldn't show much anyway. Just a fair warning that you may want to curl up in a hole and die after suffering through the awfulness of this piece of crap. Suicidal people should not watch this. I guarantee it will only make them worse.

What was Bad:

Yeah, so this happens. That's Lumpy, Chewy's son.

    -Wookies: There is nothing but Wookie noises for 9 minutes of the movie towards the beginning. JUST Wookie noises. That’s all there is. You can’t tell a story based only on Wookie noises!!! Wookies are fine as side characters like Chewbacca or warriors like in Episode 3, but they, under no circumstance, should be protagonists, especially if the filmmaker's aren't going to provide subtitles to tell us what the hell is going on.

     -Music/Score: Random musical and performance acts just jump out of nowhere. Everything suddenly shifts to the characters watching some random performer doing their thing. The have literally no relevance to the plot at all. They also have a musical number with Bea Arthur in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Not only does it go on way to long, but it's unfunny and seems just thrown in there just for the hell of it. The actual score is bland and generic and it just gets repetitive. Oh, and Princess Leia has a musical number. Yes, you heard me right. Princess Leia sings. It's as bad as you'd expect. 

Doesn't Mark Hamill look thrilled to be acting here??

     -Acting: Dreadful. Yes, Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fischer are in this and they are all legitimate actors, but there are two problems with them. First of all, they all seem to be totally phoning in the dialogue throughout the whole movie, so the performances are rather flat. Second, the "big 3" play very minor roles. The movie focuses on those who cannot act: the imperial officers, the Wookies, and other random characters. Frankly, I'm not exactly sure how well one can act when one is playing a Wookie, but if this movie is any indication, it's pretty hard. That or the actors involved have no talent. Or maybe a fantastic combination of the two that make things so painful. Also, everybody playing Imperial guards has no acting talent whatsoever.

     -Story: The plot is as predictable as it is almost nonexistent. It's padded to the point where it barely exists or moves. It's intercut with random and pointless cameos and musical numbers that have no relation to anything. The musical numbers are not even explained or introduced or anything, they just sorta happen and you're forced to go along with it. The plot just barely exists. At the end, Luke, Leia, Han, the droids, and like everyone meets in space for no apparent reason other than the writers needed a conclusion and this was a good and lazy way to do so.

     -Script: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH MY FREAKING GOD. Of all the painfulness of the rest of the movie, this is the one that metaphorically stabbed my senses and twisted the dagger until they bled to death. It's just so cheesy and terrible. The Christmasy syrupy cheese dialogue they throw in for the Life Day celebrations is awful. Every line is just so bad it hurts so much.

Wookie intimacy, folks. Wookie intimacy

     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: The intimate moments are just painful. They are so terrible and cheesy. The writing is especially painful here. The ending is the worst because everyone becomes overly sentimental about the Christmas spirit and so forth. Also, the main characters are totally flat. Granted, there's not much character development you can do with characters that only make Wookie noises, but it looks like they didn't even try. 

     -Action/Suspense: None. There's like no action in the whole thing. It just meanders from one meaningless scene to another. Basically, they took out the best part of Star Wars.

     -Humor: Hardcore pain here. They try to throw in lots of funny bits, but all of them are horridly unfunny. There isn't a single good joke in the whole thing. It's so so painful and not even remotely funny. It’s just excruciating.

     -Cameos: The movie just throws random cameos in just for the hell of it. For example, they include a space cooking show with, I guess, someone famous that Malla watches. It's terribly unfunny and it lasts for so long it becomes even worse. All the cameo bits have no place in the story and are just used for padding the nonexistent plot. Yeah, it's great the filmmakers got people like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship, and whoever does that stupid space cooking show to do these cameos, but are they really relevant and do they belong in the plot and in the Star Wars universe? No.

The Only Saving Grace of the Whole Thing:

Oh yeah, and in his first appearance, Boba Fett rides
a dinosaur

     -The Animation: About halfway through, the movie just randomly shifts to an animated segment about the characters who are not Chewbacca's family. Han, Luke, Leia, Chewy, and the droids are all there. This segment contains the first appearance of Boba Fett. It's actually, like, the only cool part of the entire movie. However, it's way too short and predictable and like everything else, is very shoddily written. Honestly, I'm not even sure where it's supposed to fit in to the story; whether this actually happens to everyone while trying to get Chewie home or it's just some cartoon Lumpy, Chewy's son, watches. Still, this is the only cool part of the entire movie. Having said that, don't torture yourself just to see this.

The Verdict: Based on my review, you're probably wondering if this is the worst movie I've ever seen. The answer is no. It definitely isn't the worst I've seen, but it's definitely one of the most painful. Here's the notes I took while watching that capture my pain in a pure, unadulterated form. They are funny, but just a warning that they include a lot of swearing (And I don't normally swear excessively. See what this thing's done to me?). I'm not sure if I've seen too many movies that have made me cringe harder than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Everything awfully misfires, and not in the good, Plan 9 from Outer Space way. I see why George Lucas wants to deny it so badly now. If you thought Episode 1 was bad, just multiply its very worst parts by infinity and you may begin to grasp the awfulness of this pile of crap. Just do yourself a favor and steer clear of this one. Don't suffer the way I did. Now somebody hold me. I've been through an ordeal. I need a hug.

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Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) Review

GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS (1973)
Director: Fredric Hobbs

Writer: Fredric Hobbs

Producers: Robert Bremson, Fredric Hobbs, E. Prentice Welles, and Stephen Williams

Editor: Richard Brummer

Cinematography: William Heick

Music: Henri Price

Starring: Christopher Brooks, Stuart Lancaster, E. Kerrigan Prescott, Peggy Browne, Richard Marion, and Karen Ingenthron

Runtime: 1 hour 29 minutes

Rating: Not Rated (Comparable to PG)

Genre: Western, Horror

Release Date: 1973 (no date given)

Intro: I've recently gotten into Reddit. One of the subreddits I follow is r/badmovies (upon finding it, I exclaimed, "my people!"). I found Godmonster of Indian Flats because somebody posted a link to the full movie and the comments all said it was hilariously bad. So, I decided to give this one a shot. I... just don't really know what to make of it. Godmonster of Indian Flats misfires just about everywhere and has a completely incomprehensible storyline that culminates in a nonsensical, yet unbelievable ending and a hilarious monster, a giant mutant sheep.

Plot: The plot is so complicated and nonsensical. I'm going to try my best to highlight it. In an old west mining town and tourist trap in Nevada, an African American businessman from the east named Barnstable (Brooks) comes to the town hoping to buy the mines and get them up and running again, but meets a lot of opposition from the locals. Meanwhile, a local sheep farmer wakes up from hallucinations to find a mutant sheep embryo that suddenly appears next to him. He takes it to a laboratory to be experimented on it as it grows into a hellbeast.

Things People May Find “Objectionable”: There's some very mild swearing and a little bit of blood, but nothing too bad. I mean, it was made for TV in the 70s, so they couldn't show much.

What wasn't Horrible:

     -Humor: None to speak of in the way of intentional humor. Unintentional humor comes from the ridiculousness of the monster and laughing at just how poorly done everything is. I mean, this movie even fails to tell its story. That's saying something.

     -Script: The script wasn't horrible, but it was pretty bland. I really can't say too much about it one way or another.

     -Directing/Cinematography: The shots were all fairly static and boring. Also, there were hardly any close-ups at all. It made things rather boring to look at. 

Yes, that's the monster in the background.

     -Acting: I'm currently drinking a glass of water. That glass of water, when I put it down, sits on a wooden table. Why am I telling you this? Because I think that table is less wooden than most of the actors' performances. The guy who plays the main character (can we call him that with all the storylines?) Barnstable is actually not bad, but the supporting cast really isn't great.

     -Originality: Godmonster of Indian Flats was extremely original. However, in this case, this was not a good thing. There's a reason nobody makes movies about a killer mutant sheep. It's because it's a stupid idea!!!!

What was Bad:

     -Story: There is one main problem with the story: IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE!!!!!!! I ended up yelling the word "what?" at my TV so many times during this thing. Is it that hard to tell a cohesive story, guys?! For as stupid as the story as Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter had, at least they told it in a way that makes sense. This thing could've used way more plot exposition. Nothing is really explained and it's all sort of a guessing game at times as to what is happening. I've made it through Memento, Inception, and Primer, so believe me when I say this is far and away the most confusing movie I have ever seen. If you can understand this movie, you are a freaking genius.

     -The Ending: I really don't have the slightest idea what happened at the end of the movie. There's just this unbelievable and seemingly random sequence of events that seems like it would only make sense if you were on a lot of LSD. It kind of needs to be seen to be believed. It'll leave you shocked, astonished, and scratching your head. It is as astonishing as it is incomprehensible.

     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: I really didn't care about any of the characters, and in the end, it didn't matter for the most part who they were and what their relationships with one another were. The filmmakers just wasted a lot of time developing a lot of the characters. This technique is also called padding.

Think of this sign as being at the North Pole and
Godmonster of Indian Flats as the rest of the world, where
all the signs are pointing.

     -Sound: Pretty freaking bad. It's one of those things that you don't notice unless it's done badly. Well, I noticed it. The sheep sound effects were especially bad. They literally had like 3 different sound effects of a sheep and played them over and over again in every sheep scene. Also, there's one scene where a character fires a gun and I swear they use the worst gun sound effect ever. It literally sounds like someone hit a table lightly with their fist.

     -Action/Suspense: The movie is pretty boring for a while until the monster shows up. You just kind of have to get through the first hour of the movie to get to the worthwhile part, which is the last half hour or so.

     -Special Effects: With only a budget of $135,000, you can only guess the quality. Other than the monster, which was spectacularly bad and hilarious, there wasn't much. The monster. Oh man, was it unique or what? I mean, it's a giant mutant sheep that is blatantly a guy in a suit. It even stands on two legs. What sheep, even a mutant hellbest version of one, does that?!? The monster was probably the most entertaining part of the movie.

The Verdict: Godmonster of Indian Flats is a complete and utter mess. Just about everything misfires and it leaves the viewer scratching his or her head just trying to understand what is going on.  I've never taken LSD or any other hallucinogen, but I have a feeling that watching this movie gives you a pretty good idea as to what they are like. This one is just so unbelievably bad and will leave your head full of questions that really can't be answered. This movie just kind of has to be seen to be believed just because of its across the board failure and astonishing ending. If you're a b-movie fan, give this one a shot. It takes some patience, but then ending makes up for it and you really won't believe your eyes.

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Starcrash (1978) Review

STARCRASH (1978)

Director: Luigi Cozzi

Writers: Luigi Cozzi and Nat Wachsberger

Producers: Nat and Patrick Wachsberger

Editor: Sergio Montanari

Music: John Barry

Starring: Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff, Judd Hamilton, Joe Spinell, and Christopher Plummer

Runtime: 1 hour 32 minutes

Rating: PG

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Space Opera

Release Date: March 9, 1979 (U.S. release)

Before Watching the Movie: I can't imagine you're not familiar with Star Wars, but if you've been living in a sad, dark hole for your entire life and you're not, familiarize yourself with the first Star Wars (that would be Episode 4: A New Hope) because Starcrash rips it off so much.

Intro: I had heard about this one for a while now through researching bad movies. I had heard it was a terrible movie and a total ripoff of Star Wars (it was rushed immediately afterwards to try and cash in on its success) starring David Hasselhoff, who wielded a light saber. My hopes for horribleness were quite high, and few weeks ago, one of my new favorite channels on TV, Epix, ran it, so I taped it on the DVR. Starcrash exceeded my expectations for horribleness. It was terrible in pretty much every way, as in ripping off Star Wars, it fails in every way Star Wars could have potentially. The movie also isn't helped at all by horrible acting and an awful script. In all, a Smörgåsbord of terribleness.

Plot: A pair of smugglers (hmmm.. Chewy and Han anyone?) named Stella Star (Munro) and her sidekick Akton (Gortner) pick up an imperial person who was on a mission to destroy a superweapon created by the evil Count Zarth Arn (Spinell) to take over the galaxy with. After being caught by the police, sentenced, and then escaping, Stella and Akton are placed on a mission with the chief of police, Thor, and his robot companion, Elle (Hamilton). They then go from planet to planet trying to find the count's hiding place and destroy him and his weapon before it's too late with the help of a straggler they find named Simon (Hasselhoff).

Things people may find “objectionable”: Lots of what I call "BWC shots." BWC stands for "because we can." It refers to any time the filmmakers intentionally put either a woman in skimpy clothing or a guy shirtless for not apparent reason other than the fact that they can. Like I said, there are lots of BWC shots in this movie. The violence is comparable in severity to what you would see in Star Wars, so it really isn't that bad.

Ratings:

     -Directing/Cinematography: 5/10. Well, the directing isn't horrible, but it certainly isn't great either. It's just kind of there, like those stale Ritz Bits that have been living in your pantry for several months. They don't taste great and are stale, but are not horrible either. They're just kind of there. That's about the best metaphor I can come up with for the directing in this movie

     -Acting: 2/10. Simply awful acting. Everyone gives terrible performances aside from the one real actor in the movie, Christopher Plummer. Even so, he has maybe 6 lines at most. He's the sole reason I gave acting 2 out of 10 instead of 1. God knows how they got him to do this movie. Poor him.

     -Writing: 2.5/10.      

          -Story: 4/10. The story kind of meanders from one unexciting event to another for a good 45 minutes until the real plot starts to take place. Afterwards, it's a stupid story that doesn't make a ton of sense.

          -Script: 1/10. The lines are ALL cheesy. I doubt there's a single halfway decent one in the entire script. The fact that these awful lines are being said by awful actors (aside from Christopher Plummer) doesn't help your view of the both acting and the script.

Notice the similarity: a Shakespearian actor is on the left
and the evil Count Zarth Arn from Starcrash is on the right.

     -Special Effects: 1/10. The movie was released at a great time for visual effects in movies. Star Wars (which it rips off a lot) had premiered just a year prior and visuals heavy Alien and Apocalypse Now were to be released just a year later. Starcrash, though, has incredibly lame, crap-tastic (I've officially created that word) special effects that are laughably bad. All the spaceships look like toys made out of random crap they found in some warehouse, glued together, and painted gray. The explosions are totally underwhelming and look extremely fake. Oh, and did I mention that they have lightsabers in this? Well they do, and it's a clear ripoff of Star Wars and it looks nowhere near as good.

     -Music/Score: 3/10. John Barry is a great score composer who has won 5 oscars for his scores. He has scored several James Bond movies, Dances with Wolves, Out of the Wild, and Chaplin among others. However, the score for Starcrash is just a ripoff of the music from Star Wars and sounds incredibly cheesy. Definitely not a highlight of his career.

     -Power/Emotion: 2/10. I really didn't care at all about any of the characters, and I was rooting for Elle, the robot, to die for a while just because he's so damn annoying. I think he actually may be more annoying than the infamous Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode 1.

     -Adrenaline: 3/10. Not very exciting. I can't say the fight scenes really thrilled me much at all, and since I didn't care about the characters, I didn't particularly care.

     -Mind-Bendingness: 4/10. The movie tries to throw out some mind-bending concepts, but they all come off as incredibly stupid.

     -Stupidity: 10/10. Like Star Wars, this movie walks the thin science fiction line between brilliance and stupidity. Where Star Wars falls into the brilliance category, Starcrash falls deep into the stupidity category. Everything about this movie either says "this is incredibly stupid" or "we stole this from Star Wars, but we didn't pull it off like they did."

     -Humor: Intentional: 0.5/10. Unintentional: 5/10.  D for effort. They try to use Elle, Stella's robot companion, for comic relief, but he just gets to annoy the living crap out of you with stupid and unfunny lines. Can't say they didn't try, though. The only funny moments come from laughing at either the bad acting, the stupid lines, or the incredibly crappy special effects.

     -Final Score: This movie is awful, terrible, horrible. Any other related adjectives you want to throw out there to describe this movie are 100% accurate. From the acting to the writing to the special effects to the attempted comic relief, this movie fails horribly. If you can stand and want to watch really awful movies or you want to punish yourself, watch Starcrash. If not, don't. Watch the movie it rips off, Star Wars: A New Hope, instead.

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