The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) Review

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)
Directors: Steve Binder and David Acomba

Writers: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, and Mitzie Welch

Producers: Dwight Hemion, Gary Smith, Joe Layton, Jeff Starsh, Ken Welch, and Mitzie Welch

Editors: Jerry Bixman and Vince Humphrey

Cinematography: John Field

Music: Ian Fraser

Starring: Mickey Morton, Paul Gale, Patty Maloney, Jack Rader, Art Carney, and Peter Mayhew (and the cast of Star Wars)

Runtime: 1 hour 37 minutes

Rating: Not Rated (Comparable to milder PG)

Genre: Adventure, Sci-Fi, (Attempted) Comedy

Release Date: November 17, 1978 (TV)

Before Watching the Movie: Brace yourself and know what you're getting into. These are important life choices you're making here.

Intro: This movie is kind of legendary and not in a good way. Called by some as "the worst two hours of television ever" and shunned both by George Lucas and all the major Star Wars actors, this movie has quite the reputation. George Lucas famously said of the special, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy and smash it." So, as a Star Wars fan and a b-movie fan, I thought I'd witness the horror first hand. I had tried watching it some a couple years ago and couldn't make it through 30 minutes. Since that was a few years ago, I wanted to review a b-movie, and I didn't remember it much, I decided to watch the whole bloody thing. Oh. My. God. The Star Wars Holiday Special is as awful as everybody says it is. With a paper-thin plot strung together by random and meaningless cameos, stiff and phoned-in acting from the cast, cringeworthy and unfunny humor, and a script that could have been written better by a preschooler, the special is nothing but an hour and 37 minutes of sheer pain.

Plot: Chewbacca (Mayhew) needs to get back to his family on his home planet of Kashyyyk for the annual celebration of Life Day (It's Christmas, ok? It's just the lame, Star Wars-esque version of it). His family, consisting of his wife Malla (Morton), his son Lumpy (Maloney), and his father Itchy (Gale) waits anxiously for him to come back, as the Empire begins to interfere.

Things People May Find Objectionable: Really nothing. I mean, it was 70s prime time TV, so they really couldn't show much anyway. Just a fair warning that you may want to curl up in a hole and die after suffering through the awfulness of this piece of crap. Suicidal people should not watch this. I guarantee it will only make them worse.

What was Bad:

Yeah, so this happens. That's Lumpy, Chewy's son.

    -Wookies: There is nothing but Wookie noises for 9 minutes of the movie towards the beginning. JUST Wookie noises. That’s all there is. You can’t tell a story based only on Wookie noises!!! Wookies are fine as side characters like Chewbacca or warriors like in Episode 3, but they, under no circumstance, should be protagonists, especially if the filmmaker's aren't going to provide subtitles to tell us what the hell is going on.

     -Music/Score: Random musical and performance acts just jump out of nowhere. Everything suddenly shifts to the characters watching some random performer doing their thing. The have literally no relevance to the plot at all. They also have a musical number with Bea Arthur in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Not only does it go on way to long, but it's unfunny and seems just thrown in there just for the hell of it. The actual score is bland and generic and it just gets repetitive. Oh, and Princess Leia has a musical number. Yes, you heard me right. Princess Leia sings. It's as bad as you'd expect. 

Doesn't Mark Hamill look thrilled to be acting here??

     -Acting: Dreadful. Yes, Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fischer are in this and they are all legitimate actors, but there are two problems with them. First of all, they all seem to be totally phoning in the dialogue throughout the whole movie, so the performances are rather flat. Second, the "big 3" play very minor roles. The movie focuses on those who cannot act: the imperial officers, the Wookies, and other random characters. Frankly, I'm not exactly sure how well one can act when one is playing a Wookie, but if this movie is any indication, it's pretty hard. That or the actors involved have no talent. Or maybe a fantastic combination of the two that make things so painful. Also, everybody playing Imperial guards has no acting talent whatsoever.

     -Story: The plot is as predictable as it is almost nonexistent. It's padded to the point where it barely exists or moves. It's intercut with random and pointless cameos and musical numbers that have no relation to anything. The musical numbers are not even explained or introduced or anything, they just sorta happen and you're forced to go along with it. The plot just barely exists. At the end, Luke, Leia, Han, the droids, and like everyone meets in space for no apparent reason other than the writers needed a conclusion and this was a good and lazy way to do so.

     -Script: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH MY FREAKING GOD. Of all the painfulness of the rest of the movie, this is the one that metaphorically stabbed my senses and twisted the dagger until they bled to death. It's just so cheesy and terrible. The Christmasy syrupy cheese dialogue they throw in for the Life Day celebrations is awful. Every line is just so bad it hurts so much.

Wookie intimacy, folks. Wookie intimacy

     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: The intimate moments are just painful. They are so terrible and cheesy. The writing is especially painful here. The ending is the worst because everyone becomes overly sentimental about the Christmas spirit and so forth. Also, the main characters are totally flat. Granted, there's not much character development you can do with characters that only make Wookie noises, but it looks like they didn't even try. 

     -Action/Suspense: None. There's like no action in the whole thing. It just meanders from one meaningless scene to another. Basically, they took out the best part of Star Wars.

     -Humor: Hardcore pain here. They try to throw in lots of funny bits, but all of them are horridly unfunny. There isn't a single good joke in the whole thing. It's so so painful and not even remotely funny. It’s just excruciating.

     -Cameos: The movie just throws random cameos in just for the hell of it. For example, they include a space cooking show with, I guess, someone famous that Malla watches. It's terribly unfunny and it lasts for so long it becomes even worse. All the cameo bits have no place in the story and are just used for padding the nonexistent plot. Yeah, it's great the filmmakers got people like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship, and whoever does that stupid space cooking show to do these cameos, but are they really relevant and do they belong in the plot and in the Star Wars universe? No.

The Only Saving Grace of the Whole Thing:

Oh yeah, and in his first appearance, Boba Fett rides
a dinosaur

     -The Animation: About halfway through, the movie just randomly shifts to an animated segment about the characters who are not Chewbacca's family. Han, Luke, Leia, Chewy, and the droids are all there. This segment contains the first appearance of Boba Fett. It's actually, like, the only cool part of the entire movie. However, it's way too short and predictable and like everything else, is very shoddily written. Honestly, I'm not even sure where it's supposed to fit in to the story; whether this actually happens to everyone while trying to get Chewie home or it's just some cartoon Lumpy, Chewy's son, watches. Still, this is the only cool part of the entire movie. Having said that, don't torture yourself just to see this.

The Verdict: Based on my review, you're probably wondering if this is the worst movie I've ever seen. The answer is no. It definitely isn't the worst I've seen, but it's definitely one of the most painful. Here's the notes I took while watching that capture my pain in a pure, unadulterated form. They are funny, but just a warning that they include a lot of swearing (And I don't normally swear excessively. See what this thing's done to me?). I'm not sure if I've seen too many movies that have made me cringe harder than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Everything awfully misfires, and not in the good, Plan 9 from Outer Space way. I see why George Lucas wants to deny it so badly now. If you thought Episode 1 was bad, just multiply its very worst parts by infinity and you may begin to grasp the awfulness of this pile of crap. Just do yourself a favor and steer clear of this one. Don't suffer the way I did. Now somebody hold me. I've been through an ordeal. I need a hug.

Liking my reviews? Like my Facebook page.