The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) Review

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)
Directors: Steve Binder and David Acomba

Writers: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, and Mitzie Welch

Producers: Dwight Hemion, Gary Smith, Joe Layton, Jeff Starsh, Ken Welch, and Mitzie Welch

Editors: Jerry Bixman and Vince Humphrey

Cinematography: John Field

Music: Ian Fraser

Starring: Mickey Morton, Paul Gale, Patty Maloney, Jack Rader, Art Carney, and Peter Mayhew (and the cast of Star Wars)

Runtime: 1 hour 37 minutes

Rating: Not Rated (Comparable to milder PG)

Genre: Adventure, Sci-Fi, (Attempted) Comedy

Release Date: November 17, 1978 (TV)

Before Watching the Movie: Brace yourself and know what you're getting into. These are important life choices you're making here.

Intro: This movie is kind of legendary and not in a good way. Called by some as "the worst two hours of television ever" and shunned both by George Lucas and all the major Star Wars actors, this movie has quite the reputation. George Lucas famously said of the special, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy and smash it." So, as a Star Wars fan and a b-movie fan, I thought I'd witness the horror first hand. I had tried watching it some a couple years ago and couldn't make it through 30 minutes. Since that was a few years ago, I wanted to review a b-movie, and I didn't remember it much, I decided to watch the whole bloody thing. Oh. My. God. The Star Wars Holiday Special is as awful as everybody says it is. With a paper-thin plot strung together by random and meaningless cameos, stiff and phoned-in acting from the cast, cringeworthy and unfunny humor, and a script that could have been written better by a preschooler, the special is nothing but an hour and 37 minutes of sheer pain.

Plot: Chewbacca (Mayhew) needs to get back to his family on his home planet of Kashyyyk for the annual celebration of Life Day (It's Christmas, ok? It's just the lame, Star Wars-esque version of it). His family, consisting of his wife Malla (Morton), his son Lumpy (Maloney), and his father Itchy (Gale) waits anxiously for him to come back, as the Empire begins to interfere.

Things People May Find Objectionable: Really nothing. I mean, it was 70s prime time TV, so they really couldn't show much anyway. Just a fair warning that you may want to curl up in a hole and die after suffering through the awfulness of this piece of crap. Suicidal people should not watch this. I guarantee it will only make them worse.

What was Bad:

Yeah, so this happens. That's Lumpy, Chewy's son.

    -Wookies: There is nothing but Wookie noises for 9 minutes of the movie towards the beginning. JUST Wookie noises. That’s all there is. You can’t tell a story based only on Wookie noises!!! Wookies are fine as side characters like Chewbacca or warriors like in Episode 3, but they, under no circumstance, should be protagonists, especially if the filmmaker's aren't going to provide subtitles to tell us what the hell is going on.

     -Music/Score: Random musical and performance acts just jump out of nowhere. Everything suddenly shifts to the characters watching some random performer doing their thing. The have literally no relevance to the plot at all. They also have a musical number with Bea Arthur in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Not only does it go on way to long, but it's unfunny and seems just thrown in there just for the hell of it. The actual score is bland and generic and it just gets repetitive. Oh, and Princess Leia has a musical number. Yes, you heard me right. Princess Leia sings. It's as bad as you'd expect. 

Doesn't Mark Hamill look thrilled to be acting here??

     -Acting: Dreadful. Yes, Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fischer are in this and they are all legitimate actors, but there are two problems with them. First of all, they all seem to be totally phoning in the dialogue throughout the whole movie, so the performances are rather flat. Second, the "big 3" play very minor roles. The movie focuses on those who cannot act: the imperial officers, the Wookies, and other random characters. Frankly, I'm not exactly sure how well one can act when one is playing a Wookie, but if this movie is any indication, it's pretty hard. That or the actors involved have no talent. Or maybe a fantastic combination of the two that make things so painful. Also, everybody playing Imperial guards has no acting talent whatsoever.

     -Story: The plot is as predictable as it is almost nonexistent. It's padded to the point where it barely exists or moves. It's intercut with random and pointless cameos and musical numbers that have no relation to anything. The musical numbers are not even explained or introduced or anything, they just sorta happen and you're forced to go along with it. The plot just barely exists. At the end, Luke, Leia, Han, the droids, and like everyone meets in space for no apparent reason other than the writers needed a conclusion and this was a good and lazy way to do so.

     -Script: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH MY FREAKING GOD. Of all the painfulness of the rest of the movie, this is the one that metaphorically stabbed my senses and twisted the dagger until they bled to death. It's just so cheesy and terrible. The Christmasy syrupy cheese dialogue they throw in for the Life Day celebrations is awful. Every line is just so bad it hurts so much.

Wookie intimacy, folks. Wookie intimacy

     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: The intimate moments are just painful. They are so terrible and cheesy. The writing is especially painful here. The ending is the worst because everyone becomes overly sentimental about the Christmas spirit and so forth. Also, the main characters are totally flat. Granted, there's not much character development you can do with characters that only make Wookie noises, but it looks like they didn't even try. 

     -Action/Suspense: None. There's like no action in the whole thing. It just meanders from one meaningless scene to another. Basically, they took out the best part of Star Wars.

     -Humor: Hardcore pain here. They try to throw in lots of funny bits, but all of them are horridly unfunny. There isn't a single good joke in the whole thing. It's so so painful and not even remotely funny. It’s just excruciating.

     -Cameos: The movie just throws random cameos in just for the hell of it. For example, they include a space cooking show with, I guess, someone famous that Malla watches. It's terribly unfunny and it lasts for so long it becomes even worse. All the cameo bits have no place in the story and are just used for padding the nonexistent plot. Yeah, it's great the filmmakers got people like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship, and whoever does that stupid space cooking show to do these cameos, but are they really relevant and do they belong in the plot and in the Star Wars universe? No.

The Only Saving Grace of the Whole Thing:

Oh yeah, and in his first appearance, Boba Fett rides
a dinosaur

     -The Animation: About halfway through, the movie just randomly shifts to an animated segment about the characters who are not Chewbacca's family. Han, Luke, Leia, Chewy, and the droids are all there. This segment contains the first appearance of Boba Fett. It's actually, like, the only cool part of the entire movie. However, it's way too short and predictable and like everything else, is very shoddily written. Honestly, I'm not even sure where it's supposed to fit in to the story; whether this actually happens to everyone while trying to get Chewie home or it's just some cartoon Lumpy, Chewy's son, watches. Still, this is the only cool part of the entire movie. Having said that, don't torture yourself just to see this.

The Verdict: Based on my review, you're probably wondering if this is the worst movie I've ever seen. The answer is no. It definitely isn't the worst I've seen, but it's definitely one of the most painful. Here's the notes I took while watching that capture my pain in a pure, unadulterated form. They are funny, but just a warning that they include a lot of swearing (And I don't normally swear excessively. See what this thing's done to me?). I'm not sure if I've seen too many movies that have made me cringe harder than The Star Wars Holiday Special. Everything awfully misfires, and not in the good, Plan 9 from Outer Space way. I see why George Lucas wants to deny it so badly now. If you thought Episode 1 was bad, just multiply its very worst parts by infinity and you may begin to grasp the awfulness of this pile of crap. Just do yourself a favor and steer clear of this one. Don't suffer the way I did. Now somebody hold me. I've been through an ordeal. I need a hug.

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Turkish Star Wars [Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam] (1982) Review

Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam AKA Turkish Star Wars (1982)
Director: Çetin Inanç

Writer: Cüneyt Arkin

Producer: Mehmet Karahafiz

Editor: Necdet Tok

Cinematography: Çetin Gürtop

Music: No Original Music

Starring: Cüneyt Arkin, Aytekin Akkaya, Füsun Uçar, Hüseyin Peyda, and Necla Fide

Best Credit: All the composers they ripped off. Just scroll to "Music Department"

Runtime: 1 hour 31 minutes

Rating: None (Comparable to PG)

Genre: Sci-Fi, Space Opera, Action/Adventure

Release Date: 1982 (no date)

Intro:  One morning, I was searching b-movie clips on Youtube and I came across a video that had what it considered the worst scenes of all time. In the comments, somebody put that a movie called Turkish Star Wars was worse than all of them put together. This, of course, piqued my interest, and I was able to find a version of the movie on Youtube and decided to give it a watch. Well, this was one of the most interesting decisions I have made in a while. Turkish Star Wars was something else. It was across the board awful, but at the same time entertaining and hilarious because of this. It is a blatant ripoff of Star Wars, recycling its shots and music, and it has hilariously bad special effects and action sequences. This one was a special b-movie that kind of left me with my mouth open wondering if I really just saw what I saw, but in a good way.

Plot: To be truly honest, I'm not exactly sure what the plot was.  It's kinda all like the weirdest dream you've ever had. You don't know why and how stuff is happening, but dammit, stuff is happening and you have to go along with it. From IMDb: "Two space cadets crash-land on a desert planet, where an evil wizard seeks the ultimate power to take over the world." Also, "The earth divides in to meteors after a nuclear war. Now Cuneyt Arkin and his friend Aytekin Akkaya has to fight against unknown enemy who is looking for human brains, which he will use to destroy the human kind." I'm surprised people got a plot out of this thing.

Things people may find “objectionable”: There are a lot of fight scenes, but they are so badly choreographed that none of them are brutal at all. There is a little bit of blood, but very little. I'd say it's comparable to the movie it rips off, Star Wars, as far as content is concerned.

What was Good: Nothing

What Could Have Been Better:

     -Directing/Cinematography: Bad. It's clear the director is not very good at his job. Several times throughout the movie, there's shot sequences that make absolutely no sense because they're moving to fast or badly edited. Since the director is the main one in charge of the production, I'm blaming all the terribleness of this movie on him.

     -Special Effects: Absolutely awful. Holy crap. First of all, the director steals shots from Star Wars every time he needs an space scene. There's a space battle within the first few minutes of the movie and the bad guys are supposed to be attacking the earth. The entire sequence is just a bad montage of random Star Wars clips of ships flying in and around the Death Star. Then there's the props. Late in the movie, a magical sword plays into the plot. When shown, it is more than clear how fake-looking it is. It looks like it's a fake sword made out of wood or something, probably because it was. And finally, there's the monsters. It's clear that it's just a bunch of people wearing stupid-looking costumes, and it comes off as hilariously bad. I think I've seen better costumes from an amateur theater production.

     -Script: Well, I'm not exactly sure since I don't speak Turkish. I'm just going to assume it was bad. I used Youtube subtitles, which was an interesting experience because they were cool and a nice feature to Youtube but sometimes they didn't provide the most accurate translations. See picture to the left for an example.

     -Music/Score: Well, it was actually a bright spot in the movie, because for the most part, the music was good. The only problem is that this good music was shamelessly stolen from Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. You'll just be sitting there watching a fight scene when all of a sudden, they start playing the Indiana Jones theme. It's so hilarious out of context. There was also a little bit of original music, but it was everything you'd expect out of a low-budget 1980s Turkish space opera in that it was incredibly cheesy.

     -Acting: Not horrible, but definitely not what I'd call good. This wasn't really an emphasis of the movie, and for the most part the movie can be understood just as well without any of the dialogue (a lot of people watched it without subtitles). It was just one of those things that didn't stick out as being particularly average or bad.

     -Story: Since I picked up little of the plot and it's evident from the IMDb reviews that a lot of others didn't either, I think it's safe to say it wasn't written or told exceptionally well. Also, as I mentioned earlier
     -Originality: Well, I'll admit I've never seen anything quite like Turkish Star Wars, and I'm pretty sure that isn't a good thing. I can't say it's original since it rips off so much crap from Lucasfilm, whether it be the soundtrack from Star Wars or Raiders of the Lost Ark or all the space scenes from Star Wars. Hell, half the movie is just ripping off Lucasfilm. The story is also your typical space opera plot where this average guy gets this powerful weapon and defeats the guy trying to take over the galaxy.

     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: I did not care about any of the characters. I barely even felt like I knew any of them. The characters were about as two-dimensional as you can get.

     -Action/Suspense: Other than the use of Star Wars footage and music, it was the most entertaining part of the movie, just because of how ridiculous it was. The fight scenes were badly choreographed and looked totally faked. Sometimes they even used the old technique of speeding up the camera to make things look like they happened faster, which sometimes works, but not in this case and it just ends up looking really lame. To get a taste of the action sequences and the whole movie, check out the video to the right. -------------------------------------------------->

     -Editing: Simply terrible, especially when they inserted the stolen Star Wars shots. The shots were recycled, which is always a no-no in filmmaking, and they were edited in a way that made no sense. If there are any aspiring editors out there reading this, watch the movie to learn what not to do.

Final Score: One phrase sums up my reaction to Turkish Star Wars fairly well: What the hell did I just watch? This thing is so ridiculous, it really needs to be seen to be believed. It is truly one of the most shockingly bad movies I have ever seen. If you're a die-hard b-movie fan like myself, this one should be on your watch list. If you aren't, steer clear or just watch some clips of its best moments on Youtube.

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The World's End (2013) Review

THE WORLD'S END (2013)
Director: Edgar Wright

Writers: Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright

Producers: James Biddle, Liza Chasin, Eric Fellner, Nira Park, and Tim Bevan

Editor: Paul Machliss

Cinematography: Bill Pope

Music: Steven Price

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Paddy Considine, Eddie Marsan, and Martin Freeman

Best Credit: Mark Donovan and Ricky Champ as "Big Ugly Bastards"

Runtime: 1 hour 49 minutes

Rating: R (pervasive language and sexual references)

Genre: Comedy, Action, Sci-Fi

Release Date: August 23, 2013

Intro: I've been disappointed a lot with movies this summer. Maybe I'm just getting tired of the same old summer blockbuster formulas and overdone CGI, but it has seemed like a lot of this summer's movies are kind of the same. So when I saw a British comedy getting 90% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, I knew this is one I wanted to see, especially since I've heard good things about Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's stuff. I wasn't disappointed. The World's End kind of has it all. First and foremost, it's funny, but it is also very well-written, acted, and directed and makes for a really good and entertaining movie.

Plot: Back in 1990, a group of high school friends led by Gary King (Pegg) attempted the "golden mile" in their hometown of Newton-Haven, in which they would drink at 12 different bars, the last of which is the World's End. They didn't quite make it, so 23 years later, Gary wants to try again. He approaches his reluctant companions from that night and gets them to come back to Newton-Haven. However, they soon realize that a lot of things aren't quite right with the town.

Things People May Find Objectionable: The biggest thing here is swearing. There is quite a bit of language. Otherwise, there's some violence and gore, but I've seen worse in PG-13 movies. If you take out the language, this one would've easily been rated PG-13 instead of R.

What was Good:

     -Humor: Definitely a strong point of the movie. It isn't hilarious right off the bat, but once it gets going, it's really funny. In a day and age where not many quality comedies are produced, The World's End is really refreshing with its smart humor. I think it's fairly safe to say that it's the summer's funniest movie. The nice thing is that for the most part, the movie doesn't rely on cheap pop culture references for laughs, so it will probably be able to retain its humor longer than your average comedy.

     -Story: I thought the story was very well-written and pretty well-thought-out. What impressed me the most is how seamlessly they were able to blend genres. Also, the attention to detail is very nice, as a lot of stuff comes back later in the movie or makes more sense after seeing the plot unfold. I thought the ending probably could've been a little better, but overall the story was very interesting and well-told. 

     -Directing/Cinematography: I really liked the directing in this one. The shots were interesting and the movie was very visual. It's cool to see a well-directed comedy. That doesn't seem to happen all that often, as it seems a lot of the best directors opt to work on dramas or action movies instead. 

     -Script: Wow! An actually well-written summer movie! Who'da thought? Sadly, it seems like a rarity nowadays, so it makes me even more impressed when I see good writing in a movie. The attention to detail is great and the script and story are both very smart.

Simon Pegg's stuck-in-the-90's character, Gary King, holding
a map of the "Golden Mile" the characters attempt

     -Acting: The acting is one of the main reasons the movie worked as well as it did. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are both great, and their supporting cast of Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, and Eddie Marsan are really good at backing them up. As one of my friends mentioned, the line delivery is part of the reason some of the lines were so funny, which says a lot about the actors.

     -Special Effects: This isn't a movie you'd expect to have first rate special effects, but they are actually pretty good. They are used relatively sparingly, they look pretty convincing, and above all they work.

Worth Noting:
     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: This was good for both Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's characters, as the characters are refreshingly well-developed. However, the other characters seem a little thin and somewhat forgotten by the screenwriters at times. It works, but sometimes you wonder what happened to a certain character and start wondering if anyone cares about them anymore.

     -Action/Suspense: The movie actually has a nice action side to it, even though it's not as wall-to-wall with its action as something like Iron Man 3. It's exciting, but the focus is the humor.

     -Originality: The movie was very original in that it essentially blended 3 genres. It took a typical sci-fi plot, a typical action plot, and a typical buddy comedy plot and mashed them together. This kind of blending is hard to pull off, but the filmmakers do it very, very well.

     -Intelligence: Unlike a lot of summer movies, especially comedies, the movie is very smart. The writers know what they're doing and have obviously thought a lot of the plot and the jokes through. It's really nice to see this for once. 

The Verdict: The World's End is either the best or tied for the best (with Star Trek: Into Darkness) movie I've seen this summer. It has just about everything. It's funny and it also has good acting, directing, writing, and a healthy dose of action and character development. I would definitely recommend seeing this one. Though it takes a little bit to get going, once it does, it's a really fun, funny, and enjoyable movie.

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Pi (1998) Review

PI (1998)
Director: Darren Aronofsky
Writers: Darren Aronofsky, Sean Gullette, and Eric Watson
Producers: Randy Simon, Tyler Brodie, Jonah Smith, David Godbout, and Eric Watson
Editor: Oren Sarch
Cinematography: Matthew Libatique
Music: Clint Mansell
Starring: Sean Gullette, Mark Margolis, Ben Shenkman, and Pamela Hart
Best Credit: Stanley B. Herman as "Moustacheless Man"
Runtime: 1 hour 24 minutes
Rating: R (languange & some disturbing images)
Genre: Suspense, Sci-Fi
Release Date: July 10, 1998

Before Watching the Movie: If I were you, I'd read a quick article on the Fibonacci Sequence if you are not already familiar with it OR just look at the picture down the review a bit on the right side.

Intro: This is one I've heard about for a while, and as someone who loves mind-benders and psychological thrillers, I was interested. I was not disappointed. Pi is a great movie, especially considering its tiny budget. It's very original and the directing and editing are top-notch, even if the story is somewhat hard to follow.

Things Some May Find "Objectionable:" There's one scene where there's several f-bombs, but otherwise it's light on the swearing. Also, some of Max's hallucinations might be disturbing to some, as there's some blood involved, but not a lot.

Plot: A young and brilliant mathematician named Max Cohen (Gullette) believes that everything in nature, including the stock market, can be simplified down into numbers. With the help of his supercomputer, Euclid, he pursues a number he believes can explain existence. As he does, corporate bankers and a Jewish sect become interested as his headaches and paranoia increase.

What was Good:
     -Directing/Cinematography: The directing, in my opinion, is what made the film so engaging and watchable. I think it was absolutely brilliant. The shots are all so interesting and, along with the editing, help convey a sense of Max's paranoia. I think the directing is the reason the filmmakers were able to pull off Pi, as it could have been a really stupid movie in somebody else's hands.
     -Editing: The editing was nothing short of brilliant. I think it is really what makes the movie so suspenseful. The cuts come in short, paranoid progression and help show the type of insanity that is plaguing Max.

This is a Fibonacci Spiral. This plays a key role in the movie,
so I thought I'd include it. It's found in lots of places in nature.

     -Music/Score: The music is usually pretty simple and repetitive beats, but it works so effectively to help create the feeling of suspense and paranoia that Max is experiencing. One thing the filmmakers did a great job is creating something great out of very limited materials, and the music is an example of this.

     -Story: This is another thing I really liked. The movie was very original. Hardly ever do we see math-centric movies, but Pi pulls it off very well. I've never heard of anything like this plot of a guy chasing a "god number," if you will. In my opinion, originality is better 95% of the time (see Godmonster of Indian Flats for a glimpse of the other 5%).
     -Action/Suspense: Not much action, but a ton of suspense. The movie, as I've mentioned before, plays into Max's paranoia and makes you almost as paranoid as he is, thus creating the suspense of, A). not being completely aware of what is going on, and B). fearing that everyone is out to get Max. Anyway, if you want suspense, Pi is a good movie to watch.

     -Acting: Though I've never heard of Sean Gullette before watching the movie, I think he does a great job as Max. The other actors are good in their roles, but Max is kind of the only main character and he has far and away the most screen time and lines.
     -Intelligence: There's no two ways around it: Pi is a total mind-bender. It's one of those movies that really forces you to think, especially at the end. This is a movie that would probably fly over most people's heads just because it's hard to wrap your brain around some of the concepts. However, this is a main reason I really liked it. I guess I'm just drawn towards mind-benders.

What Could Have Been Better:
     -Storytelling: For the most part, it is told well, but it does get confusing at times. I think this is somewhat intentional to portray the paranoia and confusion Max is experiencing, but this does make it a little hard to follow towards the end. In its trippiness, sometimes viewer comprehension is lost.
     -Characters/Emotional Involvement: Not really the focus of the movie. The backstories of the characters really aren't given and the plot is far more psychological than it is emotional. Still, the depictions of Max's paranoia and its progression are well-done.

The Verdict: Pi is a really good movie. It's totally original, has incredible directing and editing, and it builds suspense very well. It is mind-bending and trippy, and this may lose some viewers, but if you can keep up or deal with it, I highly recommend this one. If you're a science, math and/or number person, I would recommend this even more.

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