Piranhaconda (TV 2012)

Directed by: Jim Wynorski
Written by: Mike MacLean and J. Brad Wilke
Produced by:  ROGER CORMAN!!! (and William Denver and Forest King)
Music by: Al and Jon Kaplan
Edited by: Tony Randel
Starring: Teri Ivens, Rib Hills, Michael Madsen, Shandi Finnessey, Chris Dechristopher, and Noah Blake
Runtime: 2 hours (more like 1 hour 30 minutes without commercials)
Rating: n/a.
Genre: Horror, Sci-Fi, Action, Creature Feature
Release Date: June 16, 2012 (Syfy Channel)


Briefly explaining my love of bad cinema: I must confess that while I love good movies, I love bad ones just as much. There can be so much entertainment in someone getting their head ripped off by a giant badly-CGIed snake that really warms my heart at times. There is also something joyous about hearing laughably bad line after laughably bad line from actors who really should not be acting at all. My love of bad movies started with getting hooked on the TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000, in which, if you haven't seen it, the main characters watch old, crappy movies and make funny riffs on them. Soon, I began to watch bad movies without MST's comments and that's when the infection took hold. My love for bad movies is like a contagious terminal cancer. I caught it and now I have it for the rest of my life and I can't possibly get rid of it.


Intro: From the channel that brought you such hits as Dinoshark, Sharktopus, Supergator, Dinocroc, and Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and the producer who gave you such classics such as Creature from the Haunted Sea, A Bucket of Blood, She Gods of Shark Reef, and Ski Troop Attack comes a new terror that is Piranhaconda. I decided to DVR this movie a couple days ago when it premiered because really, who can pass up seeing a movie called Piranhaconda? Most of these movies show lots of blood and guts and ridiculous monsters, but often get caught up in subplots like love stories that drag on and make them much less enjoyable when the clear reason most people (including myself) watch the movie is for the monster.  Piranhaconda, though it is a bad movie, is really one of the more entertaining Syfy Channel movies I've seen because it cuts most of the character development crap and cuts to right what we all want to see: the monster.


Things people may find "objectionable": Since it's a TV movie, they can only show so much, so you're pretty safe with swearing and explicit sex. However, the movie is very gory, as blood splatters everywhere every time someone gets eaten by the Piranhaconda. Yet at the same time, that's what's so damn entertaining, since all the deaths are ridiculous, badly CGIed and completely over the top. There are also numerous women in bikinis, and but hey, it's Syfy channel, what else do you expect?


Plot: Deep in the jungles of the Hawaiian island of Kauai, a scientist (Madsen) is researching an animal that killed his father some 20 years earlier and he has found its nest, so he gets takes an egg. Soon after, his 2 companions are killed by the monster and he escapes, only to be captured by some Latin American kidnappers. Cut to: movie crew on another part of the island that is filming a b-movie called Head Chopper 3 (Whoa. A b-movie inside a b-movie? It's b-movieception!). Anyway, the movie is going horribly with an impatient director (DeChristopher), a self-absorbed star (Finnessey) and a new couple (Ivens, Hills) who have to deal with it all. Anyway, after a few crew members disappear and several other meaningless characters are killed off, the crew is stopped and captured by the same gangsters and held for ransom from the movie studio. While in captivity, they meet up with the scientist.  Soon the piranhconda comes looking for food.

Ratings:

     -Directing/Cinematography: 4/10. Nothing to write home about.

     -Acting: 1/10. The casting methodology for the female characters in this movie must have been, “I don’t care if they can act. If they have big breasts, hire them!” As you can probably infer from this, the acting was pretty bad. The worst actress would probably be the woman in the science crew at the very beginning. I think a 2x4 could deliver a better performance than her.

     -Writing: 3/10. Bad. The lines are stupid. That pretty much sums up the writing. The story is stupid and formulaic, but that's kind of a given when you're talking about a move called Piranhaconda. I was impressed with the ending though. It was more satisfying ad surprising than usual for these movies. And the main kidnapper says "dios mio" at least 5 times throughout the movie when something bad happens.

     -Special Effects: 3/10. Cheap and lame, yet so cheesily glorious. If the special effects were good, the movie would draw much more respect

     -Music/Score: 3/10. This only gets a 3 because of the song they use during the credits that was written especially for this movie. It was a 60s beach theme with lyrics such as "Is it a snake, or is it a fish?" It was quite entertaining, to say the least. For the rest of the movie: well, for me, if a score is good, I tend to notice. If I don't notice it and it's completely background, it's never as good. The latter applies to this movie. Even after just watching it, I completely forgot the music, except for the main theme.

     -Power/Emotion: 2/10. Going into movies like this, you need to suspect that at least half of the characters you meet will be dead by the end of the movie, so after you've seen a few of these movies (believe me, I've seen way more than a few), you get

     -Adrenaline: 3/10. I really only got excited in anticipation for the next killing by the piranhaconda. The killings were stupid, formulaic and somehow so enjoyable.

     -Stupidity: 9/10. From now on for all b-movie reviews, this will replace the "mind-bendingness" section. Ok, so the monster is a hybrid piranha and anaconda living in the waters of the Hawaiian Island of Kauai. You think it's stupid? I mean, what are an Amazonian piranha and anaconda doing on a Hawaiian island? It doesn't make any damn sense! Also, there seems to be a danger on Kauai of being kidnapped by the Latin American gangsters who want ransom from small-time b-movie studios. A third thing: it seems that when someone is eaten by a piranhaconda, they disappear into a red cloud of blood instead of realistically (Really? I'm really using that word to talk about a movie called Piranhaconda?) having them be torn apart into pieces or be swallowed whole.
     -Humor: Intentional: 2/10, Unintentional: 5/10. A good portion of this movie was done tongue-in-cheek by the producers, so some lines poked fun of the movie and its concept. However, the tongue-in-cheek humor is fairly minimal, so the absurdity of the movie and the silly lines take over. There's something at least I find funny about a 30 foot badly CGIed piranha/snake hybrid eating a character that turns into a red cloud of blood while being devoured. 

     -Final Score: This is a bad movie, believe me, but it is also quite entertaining. For a first time b-movie watcher, this is a good place to start because it is entertaining fun and is less boring than some of these movies can be. I'd recommend this movie to anyone who enjoys bad movies or is entertained by cheesy monsters and over the top and badly CGIed gore.